I wanted to be a Principal

It was many years back, I was in 5th std, and I was learning essay on 'My School'.
The third point in this essay was - 'The name of our school principal is Mr. D.R Shastri'.
I still remember all the lessons, almost all the classes' lecturers... and I think I can act my kinder garten teachers even now.

We used to celebrate Independence day, Republic day, Children's day etc in my school time, and My principal used to read a welcome note to the chief guest.
and then he used to sit on the chair that was next to the chief guest.
They were served snacks and cold drinks while children used to perform. They used to clap in between, used to chat something mean while ... and at the end the chief guest used to announce to start something new in our school, or used to donate some money in education trust.
while all children used to watch performances, mesmerized I used to notice how the principal behaves, how she walks, how she smiles, how she drives her car, how she parks, then how she walks etc.
Nothing went unnoticed from my eyes.
I have decided in a very early age that I wanted to become a principal.
I also decided to make a school, I decided its name, I decided its layout, its location etc........
I remember, how I used to query my uncle about the prices of lands in his village. I wanted to make a school where there are no highways near by, I wanted my school to be just another world. I used to think of adopting babies at the age of 9. and that was amazing...when My mother used to tell me that you can really adopt once you are 18, and you should earn enough to raise your kids.

I was growing.. I was studious and my parents loved me, They guided me as far as they could, and then they started believing me, my passions, my intuitions,my suggestions, at times they rejected them too.
and very early I started carrying the burden of normality, while I remained determined to not to carry this for so long.
but what could I do.
I started following other kids, making sure that I was performing well.
and I became a lovable child, student, and finally a software engineer,
I became a wife too.
and that was the turning point.
My dreams started changing the day I heard Janak.
He is a Bold man, who dared coming out of all the shit he has been told all his life, following his heart, and he accepts his perfection.
Recently JM has written about 'Burden of Normality'. I can feel that, My head is heavy all the time, carrying it, I am never my self.
Education empowers Ego. It does, May be that's the reason that women don't want to learn cooking anymore.
Males are becoming females and females becoming males, creating imbalance in nature, or is it other way around?
does Nature want this only? does she wants to teach all of us the true meaning of sex and sexuality?


I am a potential teacher, and I am having a hard time accepting this fact... why?
I am a good cook... I know that too. every one who has tasted my food has told this to me several times.
But would I accept being a cook/ baker for all my life?
would I accept being a teacher, giving tuitions and transforming the students, when I even have live examples.
would I ever accept my worth?
would I ever think over that I wanted to become a principal.

would I ever become a good software professional. My education does not let me think over of being anything that is considered as lower job profile than being a software engineer.

Ego.. too much of it. Discrimination .. that is killing my inner peace.
why do I still carry such burden of normality?
why don't I decide to live a happy, healthy and lazy life.

Putting my nature in words.. I should be called an industrious sinner, who has suicidal tendencies.. as I am sort of workaholic.

I don't have an idea of what heavens I am gonna see after such suicide.

I am afraid that I don't waste my life in thinking too much and feeling miserable about not deciding upon the things...